Reflecting on the lessons from Jesus about the rich man building bigger barns...in vain...
It had been long before I learnt what it was to earn money. My parents, of a middle class income, were becoming increasingly frustrated as they neared retirement. And this was odd. My parents had always been the kind of people to be a good mix of 'happy-go-lucky' and 'savers'. As a child, brought up in Dubai, within a cheap apartment block, where bird poo had overwhelmed the white exterior of the building, where the bus would arrive every 15minutes and a flock of people would embark on their journeys. Life was undoubtedly difficult, not for me, but for my parents. They worked typical '9 to 5' jobs and never made it visible to us what they were going through. My brother and I arrived every afternoon via our schoolbus, let ourselves in and began watching Aladdin or Jungle book or whatever else was on at the time. We had a jolly good time. We created lego models of planes and other things and flew in our own private charter from desk to desk (Island to island). On the weekends, we spent time with extended family for various occasions - birthdays, baptisms, stayovers etc. We (with the exception of my dad who stayed back) then moved to Australia. I studied year 11 and 12 at one of the supposed notorious schools at the time (Dandenong High school) and graduated 5th in my year level with a 96.55. It was in the year 11 summer break where I earned my first pay $8.18 an hour working for Domino's Pizza. I waved the sign board around trying to attract customers. That is perhaps the first most embarassing thing I had to do, something far beyond my comfort zone.
Through university, the odd tutoring job, working at a service station, getting income from centrelink was how I (like most my age) sustained my petty expenses. Having completed Biomedical science with no interest in pursuing it as a career (atleast currently), I then had to begin studying Medicine. Meanwhile, my friends were enjoying the results of their labour. I would talk myself out of events on many occasions, not simply because I was an introvert, but also because I could not afford it. I knew then though that despite their incomes, I had not lost ground. I could invest the little I had and perhaps even outperform them. That thought was quite a stretch, but helped drive me, atleast initially. I was becoming accustomed to my new friends in medical school "Mr Sickness" and "Mr Death". Everywhere I looked, the latter made a stunning appearance, excuse the pun. I was beginning to appreciate the beauty of life, the little things, the moments with family and friends and beginning to appreciate the existence of God.
While some would expect quite a transformation from my encounter with God, little actually changed. Fast-forwarding across many moments throughout the medical degree, be it working with disabled, working with those in paediatric cancer wards, a malaysian orphanage, becoming broke while overseas, delivering babies in a foreign land, experiencing first hand the effects of a scam and the list goes on. I guess, like most people, there are key defining moments, that shaped me into the person that I now have become. In summary, despite my encounter with God, I still felt lonely, felt afraid of 'this bad world', gave into temptation etc, but the pot was beginning to brew. In me, a deep longing to do something else for someone else began taking root. This later became clear, that I wanted to build a school/clinic for those disadvantaged and in order to do this, I would need to become financially independent myself. In addition, looking through years of selfless giving from my parents made me realise, I had a bigger debt to pay, one that would let them live the rest of their days without worry. Certainly financial management is not the only thing. Spiritual management is definitely of more significance but especially in the case of my parents, it would be more difficult to attend to spiritual growth, if they are worried about worldly affairs. In theory however, spiritual growth should come first and perhaps through worldly worries.
With graduation round the corner, all these fears and habits of mine intensified, directing myself towards a simpler target 'money'. I could now go out there and earn my keep. It felt liberating. I no longer had to rely on parents or centrelink to pay my way. It felt satisfying finally bearing fruits of years of labour. It was the simplest system that I had been introduced to. Where reward was directly proportional to effort, and a tangible reward at that. Over time however, the heart began feeling concerned about losing this. Sure, I was still aware of my need to donate and my duties to family and God, but I was becoming increasingly attached to the fruits of my labour. It was now becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy the fruits, where one would rather hoard these instead of use them for the Glory of God. I felt estranged from myself. I now was not at peace. No matter how much I earned, I longed for the next big thing, in this case happened to be 'paying off the first house in full before marriage'. I started worrying about not being able to meet this recognisably arbitrary goal.
With 5 months left to go before marriage and the sermon heard yesterday, I am beginning to realise the futility of my ways. "Vanity of vanities, all things are vanity!". I had yearned (first) to earn $500 dollars a week and now whilst earning a lot more than that, I still find myself clinging onto the earnings with desperation with little faith in tomorrow. Whatever happened to the splurge account? While I do spend on family and friends randomly, sometimes lavishly, I still do not find I enjoy the fruits of my labour. It feels as though I had been enslaved by this clinging desperately to money. I've seen many dead bodies, many sick people and many disturbed people, yet it appears I do not count my blessings. This perhaps stems from fears of what tomorrow will bring. Fears of not being able to provide and of not being able to satisfy. I caught myself asking myself on many occasions, "whom do you serve?" and while the answer was 'God', it appears the evidence justifies the contrary 'money'. There appears to be a great divide between whom I ought to be and who I currently am and bridging that gap will be capable through God, through constant prayer and His firm Hand in calming my heart.
It had been long before I learnt what it was to earn money. My parents, of a middle class income, were becoming increasingly frustrated as they neared retirement. And this was odd. My parents had always been the kind of people to be a good mix of 'happy-go-lucky' and 'savers'. As a child, brought up in Dubai, within a cheap apartment block, where bird poo had overwhelmed the white exterior of the building, where the bus would arrive every 15minutes and a flock of people would embark on their journeys. Life was undoubtedly difficult, not for me, but for my parents. They worked typical '9 to 5' jobs and never made it visible to us what they were going through. My brother and I arrived every afternoon via our schoolbus, let ourselves in and began watching Aladdin or Jungle book or whatever else was on at the time. We had a jolly good time. We created lego models of planes and other things and flew in our own private charter from desk to desk (Island to island). On the weekends, we spent time with extended family for various occasions - birthdays, baptisms, stayovers etc. We (with the exception of my dad who stayed back) then moved to Australia. I studied year 11 and 12 at one of the supposed notorious schools at the time (Dandenong High school) and graduated 5th in my year level with a 96.55. It was in the year 11 summer break where I earned my first pay $8.18 an hour working for Domino's Pizza. I waved the sign board around trying to attract customers. That is perhaps the first most embarassing thing I had to do, something far beyond my comfort zone.
Through university, the odd tutoring job, working at a service station, getting income from centrelink was how I (like most my age) sustained my petty expenses. Having completed Biomedical science with no interest in pursuing it as a career (atleast currently), I then had to begin studying Medicine. Meanwhile, my friends were enjoying the results of their labour. I would talk myself out of events on many occasions, not simply because I was an introvert, but also because I could not afford it. I knew then though that despite their incomes, I had not lost ground. I could invest the little I had and perhaps even outperform them. That thought was quite a stretch, but helped drive me, atleast initially. I was becoming accustomed to my new friends in medical school "Mr Sickness" and "Mr Death". Everywhere I looked, the latter made a stunning appearance, excuse the pun. I was beginning to appreciate the beauty of life, the little things, the moments with family and friends and beginning to appreciate the existence of God.
While some would expect quite a transformation from my encounter with God, little actually changed. Fast-forwarding across many moments throughout the medical degree, be it working with disabled, working with those in paediatric cancer wards, a malaysian orphanage, becoming broke while overseas, delivering babies in a foreign land, experiencing first hand the effects of a scam and the list goes on. I guess, like most people, there are key defining moments, that shaped me into the person that I now have become. In summary, despite my encounter with God, I still felt lonely, felt afraid of 'this bad world', gave into temptation etc, but the pot was beginning to brew. In me, a deep longing to do something else for someone else began taking root. This later became clear, that I wanted to build a school/clinic for those disadvantaged and in order to do this, I would need to become financially independent myself. In addition, looking through years of selfless giving from my parents made me realise, I had a bigger debt to pay, one that would let them live the rest of their days without worry. Certainly financial management is not the only thing. Spiritual management is definitely of more significance but especially in the case of my parents, it would be more difficult to attend to spiritual growth, if they are worried about worldly affairs. In theory however, spiritual growth should come first and perhaps through worldly worries.
With graduation round the corner, all these fears and habits of mine intensified, directing myself towards a simpler target 'money'. I could now go out there and earn my keep. It felt liberating. I no longer had to rely on parents or centrelink to pay my way. It felt satisfying finally bearing fruits of years of labour. It was the simplest system that I had been introduced to. Where reward was directly proportional to effort, and a tangible reward at that. Over time however, the heart began feeling concerned about losing this. Sure, I was still aware of my need to donate and my duties to family and God, but I was becoming increasingly attached to the fruits of my labour. It was now becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy the fruits, where one would rather hoard these instead of use them for the Glory of God. I felt estranged from myself. I now was not at peace. No matter how much I earned, I longed for the next big thing, in this case happened to be 'paying off the first house in full before marriage'. I started worrying about not being able to meet this recognisably arbitrary goal.
With 5 months left to go before marriage and the sermon heard yesterday, I am beginning to realise the futility of my ways. "Vanity of vanities, all things are vanity!". I had yearned (first) to earn $500 dollars a week and now whilst earning a lot more than that, I still find myself clinging onto the earnings with desperation with little faith in tomorrow. Whatever happened to the splurge account? While I do spend on family and friends randomly, sometimes lavishly, I still do not find I enjoy the fruits of my labour. It feels as though I had been enslaved by this clinging desperately to money. I've seen many dead bodies, many sick people and many disturbed people, yet it appears I do not count my blessings. This perhaps stems from fears of what tomorrow will bring. Fears of not being able to provide and of not being able to satisfy. I caught myself asking myself on many occasions, "whom do you serve?" and while the answer was 'God', it appears the evidence justifies the contrary 'money'. There appears to be a great divide between whom I ought to be and who I currently am and bridging that gap will be capable through God, through constant prayer and His firm Hand in calming my heart.
"While I do spend on family and friends randomly, sometimes lavishly, I still do not find I enjoy the fruits of my labour. It feels as though I had been enslaved by this clinging desperately to money"
ReplyDeleteWhen you are counting the change in your pockets, the moment spent with your loved ones is stolen from you. Instead, think of money earned as a chance to spend to with them. This is the time earned while you worked.
Yeah, we should start using the 'splurge' account. I have already added some for the Bendigo trip :)