THE FALL
Written on June 13th, 2017
While there are choices without end, one such choice ought not to be between God and anything/anyone else, for that is the beginning of when things begin to fall apart, whilst seeming in place, something of our own doing. That moment when it stops being an 'either/or' but rather an 'and', which can be likened to a union rather than an intersection of sets (paradoxically nothing like their mathematical meanings). What’s becoming of the insights one attained from experiences of falling? Is it not now that dictates whether they equated to failing?
It was just a while ago when I had lost a friend. A friend who I’d considered close. Another who provided a sense of belonging. What was particularly devastating was having lost that sense of home and belonging within a short period of time. While I knew prior that I was being torn apart between what should be and what was becoming of me, I now knew true love and friendship from false ones. This disillusionment was inevitable in a sense- falsities can only go so far. I had been chasing a mirage in place of God, even though at times there were glimpses of truth and beauty, deceiving myself that God was within visual range, although I know I was in His, my eyes were beginning to lose sight of Him. Was it any surprise that things ended this way?
It was difficult coming to terms, yet again,
with loss. That feeling of being betrayed by a friend you considered your 'best
friend', while in reality you were never in their radar. This friendship was a
one-sided arrangement, that served to please the other on demand. Perhaps this is
what selfless love is. It bears. Although the saying 'loves labour lost'
claims loss on behalf of the participant, this labour had no demands of
winning, hence claims to losing are irrelevant I proclaimed. Yet that
feeling of being left unreciprocated made me wonder whether my
love/friendship was, to an extent, self-centered. The other loss was
that of a companion. One that comforted you in times of distress, of being
there in times of need, of helping you when you felt weak. This
loss promoted the well-advertised moment when love songs suck, when
couples around you make you feel sick, when hypocrites living double lives
makes you angry, and pain seems too much to bear (even the tiniest of
hurts). When it feels like one would rather stay home, in fear of
breaking down crying amidst company. Combined with feeling rejected in
career aspirations, this triple whammy served to hit me hard in the head,
heart and groin at the same time. I kid, ofcourse. It was time for a
change. A time to step outside my zone for a while, and look at things
afresh. Hence the trip to South America. Yes, I
was not spiritually atuned for fractions of the year, thanks to
myself. Is it any surprise that I now feel terrified having my heart
handed over to someone new? Although I know deep down, that my heart will
be restless until it rests in God (- St Augustine). For as beautiful
a person as she is, she is not perfect, and should not be expected to be.
Knowing myself, I’ve chosen time and time
again, the patient/painful route in some aspects and the
impatient/comfortable route in others. Yes, this may seem like a naïve
dichotomy, however, such is my understanding for now. An example of
the former route would be my studies. An example of the latter
route would be relationships with God/people. To use a set of principles
strictly in one field and let myself be led by the heart or sloth in the
other? I guess one argument to the latter is I know that people have free will
and as such are bound to break one's heart in time. Is there any sense then in striving to understand or hope to be loved by as deeply? Sadly, these arguments, while pertinent
half-truths, avoid the question altogether, namely, why does one seek false crutches in one's emotional affairs? Is it no wonder that one then avoids suffering in
one's affairs with God/man? Yes, I'm human, but hardly 'human' enough to
hide behind such an excuse. Could I blame it on the image portrayed in liberal
societies, where individual strife is seen as victorious, in every other realm
but that of the soul? or could I blame it on parents/friends that seem to hold
equally weak standards of spiritual purity? or would I dare blame it on God for
having made me this way?
If there's something I've come to realise, it
is this: We are capable of much, limited by much, troubled my much, afraid of
much, seeking much, but satisfied and liberated by a little- a little bit
of love. No, don't get warm fuzzy feelings from me saying this, for I don't mean love in the gooey sense . I had once heard it said,
love is wanting the good of the other as the other; and that it bears, is
patient, is kind and forgiving; that there are 4 types of love; but all in all,
that God is love. And as such, a little bit of infinity would equate to
infinity itself, and that alone can satisfy the deepest cravings of the heart.
While there are many counterfeits in the market, there is one genuine floating
about, not hidden amidst counterfeits, but rather out in the open, only that it
doesn't offer a pleasant route, is expensive to purchase demanding sweat and
tears, albeit a better, fulfilling one.
In one of my all time favourite movie series,
'Batman Begins' features Bruce Wayne's father telling him: 'why
do we fall? so we can learn to pick ourselves up'. I'm not sure
as to the entirety of truth within the statement, although I do recognise God
as such a father, letting us face challenges/falls, and hoping to see us
attempt to make a stand from said fall. His presence while always there, does
not warrant direct intervention, but rather an encouraging word, a nudge, a
clue or mere assurance of watching over one, is adequate for us to reattempt to
stand, to walk, to run and to dare fall (yet again). Like the muscle fibers within our
bodies, that become stronger through microtears, one should never underestimate
the power of suffering in making ourselves the people we were meant to be. If
we avoid these microtears, (ie the gym/working out), we give up on any possibility of
developing our weaknesses.
Maybe, I'm manstruating. Maybe its my time of
the month/year, where I feel a sense of absolute vulnerability, within
relative terms (of my own choosing)...
L. Nazareth - 13th June 2017
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